fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
