no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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