I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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