yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
