A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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