i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have fence marks all over my body
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
