Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
