The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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