i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
