its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
