Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
