I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
