Pappa wants mamma naked
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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