its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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