I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
