just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
