Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just high enough for therapy.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
