Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
