You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
