Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
