i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
