hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
