May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
