well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
