she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
