I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
