Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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