I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
