this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
