i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
