I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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