I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
