i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Randomize
