Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
