Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
