When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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