he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
