We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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