nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
