Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
