haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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