There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
