he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
