I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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