If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
