On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
