White coat. Heels.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
