okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
