party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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