So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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