Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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