you traded sex for a burrito?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
